Ok really tired now actually. Head gona knock down.. Pretty long day today. PD presentation, lab work, puzzling, pole-dancing, hanging out with Abby n frenz, n finally got home at 12am. Started doing the puzzle about 2 nites ago. Shall c how long it will take me to complete this wasjig. Havent done this wasjig puzzle before. Abit curious to c what puzzle it gona turn out to be. Oh yea, pole-dancing was FUN today! I managed to do all the stuff correctly n quite well. Have improved greatly from the first class. This is my 2nd class btw. Was having a better grip, able to hold my body weight better n was able to spin nicer. Though I think I will still get bruises n muscle aching n sore. Agnes, Annie n her sis, May, were here today too. Anyway, hang out with Abby n frenz afterwards at hulu cat, a place to drink bubble tea. That's $5 a glass of bubble tea. Reckon will be like say $2 in SG for that size. Just sit, drink, chat, play card games n the brick staker game. Left at around 10ish, 11pm. Then me n Abby chat in the car about relationship n stuff till 12am. lol. Getting closer with Abby I think, though dont really work with her in uni for this sem.

Went to make a doctor appointment for my medical examination today. Fuck! need 4 photographs, cost $150 for just the doctor n nurse, + another $100 for blood test, n + another $100 for x-ray. Damn. I only need this visa for like 3 more mths n now have to pay all this money, including the visa fee of $120, n all the fucking trouble. Btw, x-ray have to be done at another place too. Grr... But still, I have no choice n have to do it. Doc appt on Tue. Had to get photo done in the weekend.

Ok set this aside, let's c what I've eaten today. A bowl of cereal with milk (breakfast), a slice of project's gluten-free bread (lunch?), a quarter slice of peanut toast from Abby's, n a glass of bubble tea (dinner), + abit of chocolate (snack). Not really hungry now actually. Havent been eating much lately. Didn't cook dinner for this whole week at all.

Then let's c what's upcoming for the weekend. Movie nite at Wendy's place on Fri, Auckland Food Show (dunu when) - either with Agnes n Abby on Sat, or Pauline n Dave on Sun. Excited for the Food Show actually. It's massive! so much better, more stuff, bigger, n even more people than SG Food Fair. Rmb I had 3 cups of coffee last year. n lotsa free samples too. lol. Sound very Singaporean like very kiasu like that, but my frenz also like that. Try to get free stuffs. Hehe.. Of cos as usual still have my guzheng class, maybe practice tmr. Hah.. Oh I had a xiao ruan in my room too. Hehe.. Havent been playing it for like 7 years! n now gona teach n perform during the Nov chinese camp. Need to get practice pieces to teach students (maybe 2 students), n also need to get score sheet to play for the performance. Damn. Strictly speaking, this is actually my first solo. Lol. Ah whatever, just find a not so hard piece can liao. Oh wait, where's the homework? I definitely have work to do. Damn pain in the ass. Grr.. Quality assignment n the fucking sensory form!!! Ok will get them done in the weekend.

Ok now before going to sleep, should I give a call to mr M? Ever since that day that he said those words, he hasnt call me yet, nor have we spoken yet. Probably been a week already. I'm like tired n eyes abit sore n teary, but kinda wana hear his voice. Should I or should I not? lol.

good n bad things. bad first. tired. heavy n tedious work load. not doing things right. under performance. disappointment in myself. n i dun like john grigor. that's for uni. then for the visa thing, i cant go for medical examination. cos got my period today. need to wait a few days more, cant get this thing done n over with. oh well, cant be help. anyway, got home around 6.30pm today, very dark (like sg 8pm). tired n feel like sleeping liao. didnt even go eat dinner although i think i'm hungry. no appetite ba. maybe later play mahjong drink some soup ba. havent practice my guzheng too, then also havent take out money to pay for fee tmr. so zhao gao.

well, good thing is, was on the phone with mr M last nite. he said it already! which is so unexpected n really surprised. it's the first time he really said it out. i'm gleaming n smiling. i had a very good sleep last nite. the next morning i thought i was too happy until too wet. chey~ it's my da yi ma. lol. anyway, whenever i think of those sweetest 3 words that he have said, everything seem to doesnt matter much anymore. not to say i wouldnt give a care to my work anymore, but at least i dun feel that bad. me silly smile will last for quite some time wont it? btw, i didnt say back to him. haha.. but just sweetly smile n end the call. x :)))))

keeping this good thing with me, i will be better to face anything ahead n be more motivated to keep going ^_^

Uni:
for project, tmr to next fri have to be in uni for the whole day for lab testing, including sat n sun..no more wkends..sian.. then sensory have to get it going, hopefully by mid next week..alot of co-ordinating have to be done..so bothersome.. bleh..
fish&chips survey at shop have to be done this wkend too, so tedious to go out n ask pple n the shop owner.. vanilla syrup project alot of sourcing, advice needed, n work to be done too..need to go lab do all the tests, play around with formula, shelf-life testing, etc etc.. also so many emails here n there..didnt even read all, not to mention replying them..ah whatever..

Visa:
the fucking visa thing is so pissing me off n demolished all my moods.. first say my passport expiry soon, so can only get visa done till oct only..means hv to get another visa/permit done after i renew my passport..ok fine.. then now say my medical cert expires, need to go for medical examination.. wth! i've got 1 mth to do it, n dunu where the hell to get it done.. uni work already so busy, still this kinda shit come n bother me.. n say i'm now on electronic interim student permit, like a temp 1..ahh how shit is this..

Brownie:
so many things to handle, decided to put aside for awhile n go bake brownie.. in the end turn "chao da" cos forgot about the time, went do my stuff n left it in the oven too long; so brownie become blackie..lol.. still can eat the crumb.. i'll finish it myself then, n that become my dinner..

Mr M:
btw, actually tue was somewhat happy..hah..what can make me happy leh..mr M. lol..he finally called me liao..oh well, i'm still not hoping for anything, but just leave it as it is.. if he wana talk to me, ok good; if not, whatever too..not gona take anything too seriously..

Activities:
also trying to make it a point that i go pole-dancing once a week, gym once a week, n guzheng class on every sat..havent pay money for my guzheng class yet.. then teacher ask me if i wana teach zhongruan anot.. good thing is can play zhongruan again lar n maybe earn some money.. but then on the other hand, i havent been playing for like 6, 7 years liao (fyi: been playing from 9 to 16 yrs old, about 8 yrs), so rusty liao n not so confident le.. esp i'm not a good teacher (cant really teach well).. n need to get materials too.. also, i'll be leaving next yr, so cant commit long term either..talk to the association in-charge then c how ba.. but it's quite a good news that there's this opportunity.. then driving leh, dunu if i'm gona learn anot.. cos seeing so busy n so many things to fret about, dunu if i will have the energy to learn driving.. i'm such a failure sometime.. everytime so half-heartedly, like 3 minutes hot degree..in sg took basic theory, in nz took my learners (that's theory too); but where's the practical?! actually i fear in driving.. dunu y, like scared "lan ga"..

August:
coming august, i have to start looking for job in nz for my practical work in nov to at least dec, but preferably stretch to march. actually mid oct finish uni liao..ah come to think of it, that's 3mths more of stress n hard work to go..most dreadful 3 mths.. dunu if want the time to pass faster or slower.. if faster, faster to finish n end misery but more rush for work.. oh well, i'm gona be busy n so many things on my head..ahh wana escape from all these but cant..have to face all these shit anyway..so i better not procrastinate so much..
another thing is, wendy is leaving nz, earliest in august..that's quite shocking actually when i first knew she withdrawing from uni..oh well, if she's happier to be back in uk, n that's her choice, go for it then.. i might c her ard in uk sometime next yr or whenever, or wherever..all the best to her then..

Misses:
i miss the independent n matured me in front of my parents; always missing my mum; good sister time with shirley - watching drama throughout the nite tgt, treating her food n hanging out, or even just talking throughout the nite till we fall asleep; bickering, teasing, pranking, n be funny with my second sis, zilei; carrying, feeding, making funny expressions, n playing with baby chloe; just all the family binding time tgt n my favourite "xing hua" food.. of cos missing out the good times with frenz.. my best fren, tony go MIA in seattle, whom i havent seen for about 2yrs; my best fren, eunice recently just went san fran for a mth, but so missing her too even though always c her when i go back spore..hmm been best fren with them for 10yrs already..hah.. well, also missing goodie good fren, the tyl gang - story teller.. hmm.. n the 2yrs+ no c de mr M. been always wanting to c him whenever i go back spore, but always never get to.. cant be sure to say that for next yr.. if ask y i wana c him so much, n y i like him, i dun really know actually.. just will be happy when i think of him.. well, no use missing anyway..need to be back to reality..

Wana:
although i so so so wana pack up my stuff.. sometime i just look at my shelves n wardrobe, just thinking of the things i'm gona bring back, n what else to throw away, give away, or use away.. but i still buy stuffs like books..if only dun have to study, i would so love to read my novels.. i've got about 5 novels for me ready to read.. n have bought wasjig to fix too *hand itchy* then i so wana draw n design dresses.. pauline's mum is a wedding dress designer n maker.. i can so go malaysia to learn from her on how to make dress next yr.. ah~ when's my project runway? lol.. grr..stop stop stop thinking of all these.. enough for this entry.. going for a sleep, n hopefully able to get up later to do some work.. zzz... but now so noisy to sleep.. cos of the windy rain.. :( hmph!

心是空空的。你似乎好像从我的心中又消失了。

第一次的消失是被取代，而且是一瞬间的逗留。而这一次是影牢在我的心里，日想夜想的那个你。你的冷漠、你的不闻不问、你的静静的离去，似乎对你来说很顺手。你对我的那颗心似乎没有存在过。所谓的各自过各自的生活、变独立自主；是你所要的、是我们接下来该走的路吗？

这非是非不是、这非可能非不可能、这半空掉的感觉很不踏实。如果是如果，那我宁愿你没踏入我的心里过。等待只会加深我对你的想念，而你却一曾不变；到时的我只会变得遍体鳞伤。我应该放手了吗？虽然会痛苦，但至少不会如到时那么痛。应该停止想念你了吗？

连听听你的声音、问候你近来好吗，都好难。我所感觉的，你应该根本都没察觉到吧。不想给你压力、不想带给困扰；我选择忍气吞声、在你面前装着若无其事的样子，甚至尽量去体谅你、为你找接口。我们都已经各落天涯，你却还。。。连在放弃之前想听到你的声音都不可能了；更不用说想见到你，想要有个拥抱。对你的期待应该到此为止吧。。。

好想要快乐，但幸福好遥远。。。

我，还可以相信爱情吗？因为相信爱情会有失望和伤痛；从此，就要用一生时间来疗伤了。爱情，原来是含笑饮毒酒。。。

我们毕竟隔了天涯（张晓娴）

许多人说“天涯若比邻”。天涯真的若比邻吗？通讯科技发达，长途电话费和机票愈来愈便宜，是否代表遥远的你，就好像在我身边，从未离开过？

距离始终还是距离。你去了一个很遥远的地方，虽然我们每天可以用ICQ聊天，可以写电子邮件，每年你可以回来我身边三次，甚至四次、五次。但我们毕竟相隔了天涯。

我需要拥抱的时候，你在哪里？

你需要接吻的时候，我能吻你吗？

我需要你安慰的时候，你能来吗？

你无助的时候，我可以为你做些什么？

一对情侣决定天各一方的时候，就是一场赌博。起初的时候，我会思念你，但是所有的思念也需要在适当的时候被抚慰。无休止的思念，是一种折磨。

你说：“你等我四年吧！”

好，我等你四年，不过，你最好不要问我这四年里会不会爱上别人。所有的等待都是有代价的，你要我等待，就不能霸占我的自由。假如我要你等我，我也会如此。

我知道你会回来找我，这样已经足够了。在我们约定重逢的那一天之前，你可以去爱任何人。如果最后还是觉得我最好，那就回到我身边吧！

我从来不相信“天涯若比邻”，我只见过比邻若天涯的男女。

如果两个真的相爱呢，只要两个人真心相爱，爱会有一种力量会把两颗心牢牢的系在一起，从不会让彼此分开，至到一方累了他（她）有了放弃的念头，这时候力量已经不足以把两颗心系牢了，如若两颗不相爱的心朝昔相处又如何呢，这才是真正的天涯。

haha today late for uni again. got there at about 10 past 12. but the class was changed. enter a class where they having music. duh. then went com lab do some stuff till 1pm then know where the new class is. went to attend n we had to work in grp for assignment 1. Warwick was alone, Xin wasnt here for class today. neither the new fren, Hassa, I met ytd. anyway, Warwick was alone n he's feeling shit-ty n miserable. initially I was with the other food tech girls in a grp. but then after a day or rather half day of thought, decide to join Warwick's grp. there's Xin n another girl i dunu. had never work with any of them before, not sure how it's gona be like. anyway just for 3 weeks only. hopefully the food tech girls wont mind. besides had always been working with the food tech girls. n although there's 2 sweetest girls that I love to work with, there's also 2 nastiest girls that I hate to work with. so let's give it a go anyway. well, for a change. n need to decide on which topic to work on.

nothing much happen for the rest of the day. just went for lunch n juice with Pauline. n then after, tummy feel upset n strange like sth stirring. weak n tired now, dun feel like doing anything. tmr class at 10am, cant be late anymore n gotta print notes before going class. damn. y doesnt John Grigor print it for us. dun like the bloody moodle thing from massey uni web either.

ahh, today Mr M is back from his holiday trip. he's probably home today cos saw him online on msn n fb. but he didnt talk to me at all. doubt he will call me either. what's wrong with him? doesnt he think of me at all or should at least say sth to me? what is this when there's no contact for weeks, and still say we like each other? oh god what should I do with him?! damn damn damn! my patience, understanding, n independence is limiting. It doesnt even matter anymore if he doesnt say "I like u" this 3 words, cos I choose to trust n believe that he does. but this is fading, will it or will it not? saddness, disappointment, angry, r they coming to what I'm feeling? "失望，有时候也是一种幸福，因为有所期待所以才会失望。因为有爱，才会有期待，所以纵使失望，也是一种幸福，虽然这种幸福有点痛。" this is probably what I'm feeling, 痛苦的幸福。

class at 12pm today. I was already late, cos was figuring this blogging thing. dunu how it works like changing templates etc. anyway, 10 mins before 12pm, I start to get changed, pack bag for sch, and then head out for sch at 12pm. when reach uni, saw a few frenz n still talked abit even though I'm late liao. but anyway, reach class at 12.11pm.

was quite surprised that the class was that pack, that I had only see a seat by the far back of the class. So, I took the seat, and a guy on my right me move in and allow me to share the desk with him. then another latecomer came in, sit on the seat that I first had on. anyway, during the class, there's a group activity on what's quality, so the 3 of us discussed and write down. It was then that I knew the guy who gave me his seat was the guy I had PD class with him last sem, when the guy on the left was asking me if I was taking the same course as the guy on the right. me so slow right, didnt even notice that the guy on the right was someone I had class with before. Then when break came, the 2 of us were still sitting in class. Xin, a girl from engrg came talking to me. I abit paiseh lar, cos she's quite loud n sharp. then he left the class awhile. Just before class resume, he was asking where I'm from n abit of talk. then I asked for his name. he introduced himself as Hussa. I was like hmm how to spell that, then he showed me his diary with his name on it. and he shoke hand with me. n I was saying u know my name right? n he said ya, April right, simple. lol funny. had class with him before but only first time talking to him. oh well, I'm either retard or anti-social. haha..

anyway class end at 2pm. I went lab to get some stuff done for my project, got home around 4pm. had 2 pieces of pizza while watching "shining inheritance" (korean drama) till 5.50pm. then abby texted me and said picking me up in 10mins. stop everything and get changed and ready to head to town. guess where n what we're doing? haha.. pole-dancing. lol. my first time. was kinda cool and fun. but I had to grip onto the pole n carry my weight. this part I can't do it. have got sweaty palms n plus i think i'm too heavy too. my arms were aching from that. also, my leg bumped and hit onto the pole. prolly have abit of bruise. hmm trying to rmb the steps: basic walk, clip on, basic turn, basic spin, fireman, n another forgot the name. anyway, it was really fun n good experience, just I think I really need to train up my arm muscle. today class was free for me, cos instructor say she didnt give enough attention to me. anyway, it's $13 per class per hour.

after class, we head to meet with abby's frenz at pool. quite a group of pple there. n embrassingly, I had a go, but didnt get in any. I am really very lousy. hadnt been playing for ages since 15 I guess. lol. that's 8 yrs. n plus, my arms were sore. ahh well, whatever. I know I sucks at it.

head home at got home around 10pm. continue watch my drama and another on "easy fortune happy life" (taiwanese drama) while I ate the white choc cheesecake I bought ytd from the cheesecake shop. the cake was not nice n $4 a slice. wont buy it again. btw, only had a protein bar that I ate on the way to uni today, 2 slices of pizza n that slice of cheesecake today only. not sure where's my appetite and not really feeling hungry actually. oh well, then this blogging thing now. gona sleep soon. will do my project reply emailing thing for gathering the gluten-free bread consumer thing and my project data analysis tmr morning. starting class tmr at 12pm again, the same class. better not be late again, so I wont have have no place to sit. hah. goodnight.

hmm.. don't know why I start this blog thing.. just trying out n c how ba.. lol..