With regards to the previous post about whether to go back to SG in Oct anot, still unsure yet. Now have, Des, Tyl n gang on for me going back; Shir not on for me going back; and mum put the question back to me. I know mum has always been supportive of anything I do, any choice I made, maybe bcos she knows I am very stubborn n defient, and she can trust my choice. I miss mummy alot. As for Shir, she thinks it's not worth it to go back just for 2 weeks, n since I'm gona be back in April. But she dun understand the point of me missing mr M, cos she thinks I shouldnt hold onto him. I know it's still quite alot of money, even though it's already offer. But I can easily earn that money back if I work 2-3wks in NZ.

Nevertheless, I still cant decide until mr M give me his opinion, cos main thing is I really miss him alot n will be a torture for me to wait till April. Even now, month by month, week by week, day by day, all seems so much of a pain. Just cant seem to stop thinking about him, even with all the stress n workload I have. Basket! Already so fan liao, he still like that. Dunu if there will be one day I will really cant stand it then throw n totally cast him aside, letting my mind rule over my heart, n shut myself out forever. Bcos if I do that he will be totally out of my life, n I wont be truely happy anymore. We havent been in contact for 2 wks liao, ever since the day he said that sweetest words to me.. Just cant get hold of him - calling his hp, calling his hse, email him; he still MIA. Perhaps as what Des say, 2 wks to him might not seem long as he eat his steak very slowly (find this quite a funny n amusing metaphor). I fucking hate this feeling actually, n fucking hated him now. I so hate myself being like that. Fuck it! I dunu what he wants n what he thinks. I wana be part of him, witnessing each other lives, n that we r both not alone. But I cant seem to get in. Maybe he need someone, but the person isnt me.

Beside this going back SG thing, there's also my project due in mid Oct, just before if I go back SG. Left 2 mths to finishing this off n I still have quite alot to do. In-house sensory testing to 50 angmoh, some testing n analysing of data, further research n working out on improvement for gluten-free bread, poster, n writing the damn report. Reckon about 80 pages of report easily. n I will start writing only in Sept. Damn fuck! I'm gona be a superwoman again. But I think I will be fine - mind over body.

I'm also considering to teach a korean teenager, 16yrs old, how to play ruan. He's gona perform in Oct. Need to get materials to teach him n I'm not sure if xiao ruan is the same as zhong ruan anot, as in the free chord. Should I help anot? Or maybe I should even decline Eva too that I am not gona teach ruan. I am not confident in teaching even though I have 8yrs of playing it, partly cos I wasnt really taught well by anyone from the start so my fondation is kinda weak n might be wrong. Also feel like handicapped without my familar scores n it's not zhong ruan. I only wana play zhong ruan again but not exactly to teach.

Another issue is, I got to move out in Oct too. Tentatively mid Oct, not sure if can delay to end Oct anot. It's cos landlord has some issue with his wife, so me n my flatmates (Pauline, Dave n the unborn baby) have to move out. Damn another hassle. We got 2 mths to find a place to stay. Where the hell am I gona move to? Wendy's place, Agnes's place, or maybe somewhere near my workplace cos I dunu how to drive. I think I should really go find a job liao. n I'm so worried about transport for work too. Plus, I am so scared of driving. I dunu y just xin li zhang ai. I even had a dream about me driving n crash into another car. Ah crap! Why is everything so hard?! Sometime dun wish to grow up, then dun have to worry about driving, dun need to get a job, dun need to find a place to stay, dun need to be tormented by love matters. But I have to face all these. Can I be strong again? ok off to gym..