I am so so soooo super stress! What's wrong with me?!
Project:
so worried for my project tmr. gona have about 100 loaves of bread to uni tmr. gona spend 3 hrs every day, testing 10 loaves of bread a day just for this. I'm not sure if the bread trail is gona work out. although have researched n talked thru with sponsor, but I'm still worried. gona do this for about 2 weeks, so no weekends. then not much time to analyse the data. plus now, I can't analyse for my sensory. I hate that minitab thing. n I havent compile all the comments from sensory n so havent told my sponsor about those comments. some really bad feedback about the bread. one of the major issue is having mouldy bread even before the best before date. another is alot consumers find it stales very fast n disappointed with it. I scared that bcos I do this sensory, gona affect the company's sales. I still have alot to do for my report too. just articles, got about 2 big files to read. n also some books too. n so hard to discuss my results, especially DSC dunu if I did the calculation right or not n it's not showing good results too. supposed to hand in the draft about 2 weeks ago de. but I am still writing it, dun think it's halfway yet. grr.. n review meeting is tmr. bad timing. looking at the progress I am at, definitely not gona turn out good.
PD:
Emma n Annie r stressing me out too. they have done their write up for the literature review part n I havent finished mine. I'm almost there cos has been doing this for this whole week. Emma even done her write up for the report liao. n also supposedly I am to present tmr n Emma is gona do it for me. then this Fri gona do the pilot plant for our vanilla syrup. hopefully it will turn out fine n nothing crop up. it's like 5 or 6 hrs in the lab doing this, plus my own project testing of 3 hrs. siao liao. my calendar all packed up, esp for tmr n Fri.

I really dunu how to de-stress myself. cry also no use. nasty weather today to go gym n no time to go town for pole dance either. also makes no sense to talk to anyone either, cos nobody will understand n help to solve the problem. n also everyone has their own problems. I need a bf to help me do all my work. if not part of my work. hahaha. I am so stress, so tired, so so so having headache n so fucking hate u. although it's another 3 weeks more to go, but it's not really the time that matters. it's the amount of work n stress that I am handling. uni work is already so fucked up, not to mention other stuff - visa, job, place to stay, pimples, fats, housework, driving, meals, exercise, dance, music, money, mr M, Chloe's present, ... I miss mummy... what the hell am I doing here?! I am not at all a happy soul. face everything myself, n worry about all these stupid things. wouldn't have to bother about visa or passport issue, dun need to find a place to stay, won't become so fat, don't hv to do housework, dun need to wry about getting ard, can go wherever n whenever I want, wouldnt have to think of what to cook or eat, getting music instrument n score wont be a problem, wouldnt be spending so much money here too cos things more ex here, n wouldnt be missing mr M so much.. ahh for fuck sake... driving me crazy... grrrrrrrrrrr............

不知道为什么 - 我好想哭，但是哭不出来。不知道该从那里说起才好。有时候好烦好烦，快要崩溃了。PD project is pressing by group mates, my Project is due soon but I havent finish my testing + presentation n report, done nth about Quality paper, no news about my visa yet, worrying about not getting a job for the summer n where I will be working n staying at. n the hope for mr M going Batam is probably gone.

Even little things like doing the laundry, exercising, should I go for pole class or gym anot, getting fat, what to pack, should I drive, etc bother me. Was having good mood for past few days; so been cooking, serving dinner n washing the dishes for consecutive 3 days. Ahh..maybe I need some alcohol now. lol.

Anyway, for the Batam trip mr M said he can't commit, n told me that I shouldn't have pinned any hope for that. But instead still suggest places to go. duh. Actually I shouldn't be too disappointed either. cos come to think of it, he said "I love u" and called me "my dear" before, which I haven't said so. hmm.. whatever..

long nite for me tonight.. got alot work to do esp my project sponsor just called just now. extra work now. hmph... n I haven't finished my lit review for PD too.. hai~

no big deal. hmph!

cant control my thoughts.. cant stop thinking about u.. how?! fanscination runs wild, picturing what will happen when we c each other n what we gona say or do.. so far only positive thoughts.. he has promise to meet at least once.. dunu how to describe the feeling.. panicky, nervous, anxiety, anticipated, happy, worried, scared, excited, heartbeating, unbreatheable, awkward?? dunu.. anway, we r both looking forward though.. about 4 weeks more to go..

spring time is here, flowers start blooming, sun is here, weather turning warmer.. but workload n stress building up.. maybe thinking of u is a form of escapist.. haha..

lalala~ kinda happy I guess :p whee~ about 1 more mth to go..

Grrrr.. Fuck it! Y am I having such terrible headache everyday for this whole week?! & all the problem with having 2 passports, 2 passport #, and with my student visa. Now I finally got my student visa after all the applying, medical examination & waiting. But, it's using my old passport to apply, so old passport # & expiry date of Visa till 31 Dec but not 31 Mar. Now, dunu what's up & how. Dunu can transfer anot, dunu can extend anot, or worse case, apply for a new visa ($120). Damn! so mafan! Also dunu after 31 Mar how - to apply for visitor permit ($200 for 3mths) or graduate work permit ($450 for 1 yr). That's something shit-ty about being an international student.

Grr... then having such bad headache how to do uni work?! Need to write my project report liao & so much shit to do. Also applied for some jobs, hopefully I can get a job..wherever, whatever is fine..so long as I got a job & know where I will be staying at, then can find place to stay.. Finger-crossing hard!!

A small part of me that is happy for no reason that I dunu how to say it explicitly is most probably bcos of mr M. Finally heard his voice, although for just a couple of mins. Cant really say which part am happy, nth in particular..probably just happy to know that he is still there, he is still living..lol.. Well, will c when will be the next time I hear his voice again..